The Dark Side

Everbody`s got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody`s a picture perfect

But we`re worth it

You know that we`re worth it 

Will you love me?
Even with my dark side? - Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson

    

     I question myself if im that awful kind of a person. It feels crappy when people tell you your negative sides all the time (or maybe because I am all the time?). There are times when I know its a false judgement but most of the time there`s probably truth in all of it. I appreciate these criticisms because it keeps you grounded but sometimes its a big downer especially when you already know whats not good in you more than anyone else and youre trying to change but you just cant because thats just the way you are. It makes me feel that I am the worst person in the planet. And these leads me to uneasiness when being with other people. Somehow even triggering a paranoia for socializing because you feel like even your good intentions might be misinterpreted as bad ones.

     I know I have feelings of insecurities, jealousy and a habit of being sarcastic and have unintentional insensitive jokes. I also do know that I am sometimes boastful, an annoying know-it-all who more needs the advices he/she says, and a potty mouth when something puts me off. But dont we all commit these negative traits too? The only thing I feel good in all these is that I accept and admit my dark side.  Because its so damn hard to be the nicest person in the room especially when you are dealing with people who also have the same problems and sometimes they are putting it out on you.

     Its hard to be just quiet and be understanding when your insecurities are rubbed in your face. But you see, I appreciate the people who have the courage to actually sit down and talk to me frankly and nicely if I annoy or hurt them in any way.  Not the coded messages and speak in riddles thing. Because I am slow to get the message and process it right away. ;P   No, seriously because its easier to explain and apologize when people actually talk face-to-face. When I actually see how I hurt someone`s feelings it makes me feel even more ashamed about what ive done. Its easier to talk and patch things up to a one-on-one conversation than getting into the habit of playing mind games and hope that person gets the message. Its also easy to know if that person is just telling the truth or just plainly judging without knowing.

     I may not be the most pleasant person. Nobody is perfect. I accept every negative sides I have and I am trying my best to change it. Humility is also an issue for me. Its hard to be humble on my side when all my life I have been put down and was forced to feel that I am unworthy of good things. That`s why when I excel on something I take too much pride in it and I admit that compliments feed my ego. That is because compliments are rare to me. I also know that I should stop being defensive and making excuses on my bad attitudes when being confronted like what im doing now. Im still learning the habit of shutting up and listening. "Humility is still under construction, thank you for your patience". LOL! ;D

     Well, at least I know what I am and I have the courage to admit that yes, I am an awful person.  But despite of all these, I am very grateful to my loved ones (family and friends) who understand and accept me. The ones who see my vulnerability and good intentions. The ones who can see the light past my dark side.  Thank you for not giving up on me and you all know who you are if  you`re reading this post. :)